Spinner's Legs

 you should swallow my pride.

1. 

I met a man who said the Taliban did not have open minds. so I showed him one who was willing to blow himself up. "Sir," said the Talib, "once I blow myself up, my mind will be very open, very open indeed; in fact, some parts of it will be so far removed from others, you'll never be able to find them. But I am not a selfish man, sir, when I open my mind, yours will open too."

2. 

I met a woman who thought religion was oppressive and annihilated the self for the sake of some trumped up higher cause. I didn't really have much of a verbally communicable justification so I showed her a ballerina, and she said, 'Yes, but this is art; it humanizes.' I said, 'I think we should feed her and get her comfortable shoes.' She said I was an ignorant barbarian upon whom all refinement and culture was lost. I said, 'Umer, you really need to imagine better women to have pretend conversations with because this bitch is fucked up.'
It isn't terrorism, fools! it's just art at its sincerest!

3. 

I met two women who said Islam did not prohibit homosexuality among women. They said the wrath of God fell upon the people of Lot because they were rapists and sodomites of the male sort, not because they were homosexuals of the female variety. "Find one verse," said one of the two, "that clearly states the punishment came on account of lesbians!" So I went home and decided not to. Perhaps it is for the best. I mean breast, I mean best, sorry!

4.

Eventually, however, all our experts in the field came to the same conclusion: education could only help the educated - and was, therefore, utterly pointless. "Education is just plain, old rubbish!" said a senior Education Studies expert, "It's a myth, for the most part, and a waste of time too - unless you're educated, in which case you're already educated and so, don't even need it! I mean, you see how it's just dumb?" 
"Educated people, by the way, are quite condescending towards others, towards those who aren't; actually, they're even condescending towards their own kind, once they "specialize", but by and large they seem to think only education is important. Narcissists, all of them, self obsessed!" said Professor Abdus Salam (not related to obel nay ize-winner pray). He further stated that, "Maybe ignorance is really important. I mean, were the dinosaurs educated? Were they? No! Try to be a little less arrogant, for God's sake! I mean was God educated? Did God go to Harvard? No! Humanity clearly pre-dates education! So, let that be a lesson to you." 
Education has, after much heated debate, been abolished and is no longer considered the bee's ankles.

5.

my side, center-right - leaning more towards the right -, is large in numbers but inarticulate. it is not impossible to defend it, but it is futile to do so because it is ignorant and self destructive - an elephant rampaging in a minefield. what the other sides, center-left and left, have, for the most part, is cold, and what appears to be, reason. what the center-right needs to regain is rhetoric, but rhetoric informed by knowledge and nuance - for cosmetic purposes. historically, rhetoric has always trumped reason. and though i find that to be disturbing, because of what that says about humanity, i have yet to find any reason that is not dependent or even rooted in rhetoric - for they too must rely on their poets and their martyrs! - except that it is always necessarily intellectually dishonest about it. ultimately, their smattering of statistics and sound arguments mean nothing to People. it all comes down to whose narrative creeps inside their gut and gives their soul a squeeze. victory, therefore, whatever it may mean in the times to come, is assured us. an insignificant minority will continue to scream bloody murder, but that is, as it has always been and always will be, ineffectual and unimportant. this minority exists only as a means of keeping us on our toes and must be treated with the kindness that any purveyor of free goods must be. it must be humoured wholeheartedly and generously allowed to flourish, because it simply cannot. it will exist to have lost, always. 

- facts are rubbish. they tell us nothing. life is much too random. facts are farts in a gale. 

6.

I remember reading a parable about a lion and a cow or a rabbit and some other animal, perhaps a wolf and a mouse perhaps. And so, one day the cow or rabbit and the wolf, if indeed it was a wolf, and the mouse, chanced upon a tasty treat that was just lying there in the jungle. So they brought it to the lion because he was the king, and they said, "King lion, here is a tasty treat that we found lying over there in the jungle, and we thought we would share it with you because you are the king and we your loyal subjects." The lion looked at the tasty treat and then looked at his loyal subjects and then said, "So, how do you see it divided, this tasty treat that you have brought." The first to speak was the wolf, if the animal I am thinking of was, in fact, a wolf. "I say, my lord, your highness, that in the spirit of equality, fair play and justice, we should divide this here tasty treat amongst ourselves equally so that everyone could partake and be pleased and so no one feels left out or wronged or etc., and you know, it's for the best and harmony and yeah." The lion killed the wolf, that is to say IF the animal in question was really a wolf, because it may well have been a panther or something, and then he ate it. The bear, or whichever animal was next, said then, "Personally, your majesty, I feel that since, you're the king, you should have the largest share and then the rest of us should just divide the tasty treat in proportion to our respective sizes, respectfully. I mean, it just makes sense and you're king and some of us are large and have needs and others are smaller and have fewer needs, so, yes. That’s what I think, personally. It’s my point of view." The lion killed the bear as well and ate it. A third animal proposed a third means of dividing the tasty treat and things seemed to be going well for him till he started talking about his preferred methodology and of course the ontological and epistemological concerns etc., at which point the lion killed him too. Eventually the cow or rabbit or mouse or some such animal suggested the following: "King, you are the lion, I mean, you are the king, your highness, and the king is king, which is sort of tautological but what I mean to say is, who am I to say which way is best? You’re the king, yes? THE king! You decide whatever you want to decide. The tasty treat is yours. You keep the entire thing if you like. Nobody has the right to say anything about it. Just, it's yours. You. Yours. It’s so yours it's not even funny. You know what I’m saying? We’re just, you know, loyal subjects. So. You decide!" The lion was very pleased with the answer and said, "Yes, indeed. I AM the king." And then he divided up the tasty treat among whatever loyal subjects remained and he divided it in such a way that all were satisfied. That’s right. They were all satisfied. And they had better be satisfied. And they were.

- Divine Logic

7.

The floor was made entirely out of glass. So, when the Queen finally appeared at the King's court for the first time, she raised her dress up to her ankles and took her shoes off. She had never seen glass before and assumed it was very wet.

'Must I get used to this," smiling all the time she sighed inside.

'Wait till she finds out it isn't wet,' thought the king to himself, inwardly amused.

Quite so, this particular king was known as the smartest king of all time. He understood life in terms of moves and thought of it at least seven moves ahead of everybody else. He, at times, felt what is known now as 'The Time Traveller's Guilt' or 'Do I Dare Disturb the Universe?'

8.

There was a candle there, on the table. Also, a man stood there, with his head bowed over it, eyes closed. Some men's faces age nobly, he was one of those. The spectre of a woman appeared, seated, beside the table, in front of the man who had just now opened his eyes to see the woman who had appeared in front of him, spectral and dark. Shadows managed to slip every which way to accommodate the newcomer.

"I was having a nightmare," spoke the spectral woman. She was very bored.

"Indeed?" replied the man. He was taller than most things.

"Yes, in fact, in that dream, I was sitting right here."

"Do you seek rest, then?"

9. 

you wear it like a dress, so well,

- a fancy one that you have found -

what they've been wearing b'neath their clothes

except that theirs don't keep them warm

so sing your borrowed local poetry

make your outlook socialist.

preach t' th' poor 'bout poverty

let them know what they have missed

 10.

"I find the views and sentiments expressed by Pakistani ex-pats, whether these are positive or negative, to be contemptible at best. They know nothing. I shit on their collective opinion. I say, 'Come back and say it in this climate or just shut up and keep sending dollars back home. That is your purpose, not commentary.'"

- Dr. Abdus Salam

11.

some people you may know

grow up in gardens

pluck up their courage

like fruit or like flowers

they harden their shoulders

and lift heavy boulders

some people you may know 

fall off of mountains

and land in the desert

and walk to the ocean

then swim to the point where the sea meets the sky

some people you may know

12.

"My religion allows me to kill people who think their religion allows them to kill people."

- Zindagi to Tum Bhi Ho.