News Junkie

[Reuters 21/04/10] Scientists Reveal Shocking Truth: Nobody actually likes or wants to be around ugly/fat people. "They're only being polite," says Dr. John Pontiff of Ubermench University, Nova Scotia. As a consequence, the EU and the UN announced their joint plan to reduce ugly people by mutilating their genitals. Over two individuals were shocked by this revelation. They are being laughed at by their friends.

A follow-up study conducted by Professor Dr Trevor Jenkins and Professor Joseph Goebbels of Meinkampf University, Deutschland, suggests that summertime is especially hard for non-ugly or good-looking people to keep up this charade of politeness. "Zhey start smelling like ze crap of ze big woolly bear und ze sweat trickling down zheir ugly jewi- I mean fat faces iz just too much." said Professor Goebbels. Both professors expressed their appreciation for the swift efforts being undertaken by the EU and the UN. Professor Jenkins was available for comment: "we can always be sure of a more pleasant tomorrow with the help of such international support. Indeed, the sooner we chop their penises and seal shut their hoohoo's the better."

In an unrelated incident, the Pakistani parliament's decision to have president zardari's testicles and penis chopped off was thwarted when an authorized team of medics discovered that he had none. Bilawal “bitchface” zardari has thus been declared illegitimate and therefore ineligible for a future career in Pakistani politics. Benazir bhutto was suspiciously unavailable for comments as she is dead.
This has not come as a surprise to the Pakistani people who are still lol-ing hard over the publication of several lewd photographs in which the Sharif brothers were shown to be "smucktating each other avially" - an act very similar to upside down sodomy involving snakes and beans.
After recent events in Hazara division were declared an act of shameless selfishness on the part of the dynamic duo of punjabi politicians, chief justice Iftikhar "jack-ass-hole" choudhary has declared that the Sharif brothers must feature in the upcoming remake of the 2 girls 1 cup video, aptly named: 2 bald 2 curious.
Our staff reporter interviewed several people from the Pakistani north western region and was assured that in a country where basic amenities were unavailable to the common people, fighting over a name was "pretty stupid and rather vain."
Imran khan, leader of the tehreek-e-insaaf, a laughable political party, has declared that Pakistani politics is just "too fucked up" and that he will be setting out immediately to "win back my woman from that two-bit british bastard.” zardari's mom was unavailable for comment as she is too ashamed of having given birth to a perpetual joke.

Last week, former MQM leader, altaf hussain (aka kutti) was shot in the crotch by an unknown assailant outside his London residence. Although the wound was not fatal, the sound of doctors laughing at him continuously for 372 hours during the operation (for which he had not been given any anesthesia) caused several complications. One of these complications was identified by Dr Shivraj Gondal of Our Lady of Smackthat Hospital as "how the fuck do I stitch his dick back on if he keeps screaming like a whiny bitch?" Several doctors present at the occasion concurred and nodded wisely, three burst out laughing and had to be excused. One of them was still clutching on to altaf's severed nads. Their size was alarmingly small our staff reporter noted.
The operation was conducted three hours after the new policy introduced by the EU and the UN to curb ugliness had been implemented. Cause of death was determined by the medical officer in-charge as "the pursuit of lulls by deserving doctors."

altaf's body is to be sent back to Pakistan where it shall be dumped unceremoniously into a gutter after the able staff at Doctor’s hospital Lahore has fucked it into a state of unrecognizable horror.

On the entertainment side, the top movie in the country at present has managed to retain its place on the number one position.
After the success of the original lawyer's movement, Tri-star pictures, in association with Lucas arts presents: Lawyer's Movement Two! A Heart Rending and Engaging Tale of a Young Lawyer with Piles. “Never before has a movement been so painful. Never before has fire flashed so fierce in the eyes of one man against an entire system. The digestive system.” – The New York Times.
Watch Ishaaq Chughat, a young, middle-class Punjab University graduate, an incompetent sexist lawyer, battle against the forces of tyranny and oppression as he puts on the black tie and takes off the black pants to take a dump on the nation's soul.

In an emotionally charged scene Iftikhar Choudhary appears to him in a vision and advises him in those immortal words:

"Stay the course young man, bran muffins are the key."
"Fuck off old man I’m in the toilet"
"Remember...simba."
"GET OUT! JERK!"

Coming soon in a cinema near you.
LAWYER'S MOVEMENT TWO!
This is the black shit!